The end of an era

Darlings,

So... I'm trying to quit smoking. It's a bitch. Trust me.

I am serious this time- I'm on the patch and everything. Just like Carrie Bradshaw, and it worked for her. If it's good enough for fictional t.v. characters, it's good enough for me (I mean, we're talking HBO here...)

It's been 15 years since I took up the habit. Glad to know that I'm paying for a mistake I made at the ripe old age of thirteen. It's amazing that, all this time, I've managed to hide my smoking from my family. Oh, what a master of deception am I! I mean, for five of those years I lived in the same house as them. I guess it'll be a moot point if I quit. There's no reason to bring it to their attention now. What they never knew about won't hurt them. Let's just keep this little secret to ourselves for the heck of it, ok?

Quitting smoking is the pits. I have moved through several distinct phases of withdrawal thus far. Allow me to list them for you in chronological order:

Day 1. the urge to punch babies. I actually wanted to actively search out babies to punch. I felt like a total basket-case, a very very hostile case of baskets. This was the day I realized that 110% of the earth's population smokes- children, the elderly, cartoon cats... everyone's hanging around, hacking a butt like Humphrey Bogart, taunting me with their seductive tendrils of wispy grey smoke. Aaarg!

Day 2. the urge to kick dogs. Just punt them like footballs. Yell at everyone. anger, frustration, more anger, desperation, hostility and more frustration.

Day 3. the urge to stab people in the face. Everything's fine so long as I don't leave the house. Went out to rock show. Bad idea. Picked fights, complained, pouted. Very ladylike.

Day 4. realization that everything stinks/ tastes dreadful. Labbat's 50 tastes like old gym socks and everyone smells like sweaty farts. When does this get better? Also, every toxin my body has ever absorbed is now trying to escape in the form of a zit. My skin hasn't looked this bad since junior high. Hooray!

Day 5. Have I mentioned how hungry I am all the time? All I want to do is eat and eat and eat. It is revolting how many pizza slices and burgers and candy bars I have consumed in the past few days. They say the average smoker gains between five and ten pounds if they eat like normal when they quit. I however, am eating like a hog. I mean, I'm still real skinny, but I'm not thinking that the Big Mac will do wonders for my figure.

And yet still, despite how dreadful the torture of quitting is, I am determined to be victorious. Now that I've made this promise and chronicled my progress in my blog, I am bound to my pledge. Failure is not an option. I don't want to let down my community of internet friends. Lord only knows what would happen if I did.

Wish me luck...